What Works for You - How to Not Compare Yourself to Others

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Naturally, we often compare ourselves to others, and we frequently do so in an unflattering and negative way, usually berating ourselves or others and comparing apples to oranges we draw from our biases a soul-crushing conclusion - our inadequacy confirmed and cemented. Comparison is not only a thief of joy and it sucks the life out of any creative work and process but it is also a serial killer of dreams and aspirations. 

Most of us know and feel the direct negative effects of envy - yet we can’t help but fall into that trap can we? It’s not only envy that is brought by comparison, it puts a headlight on our insecurities, especially if we see someone too similar to us doing so well. We wish we could be more like them, or less like ourselves and perhaps we start looking for excuses. If we had had more money, more support or if we’d been born somewhere else, at another time, to some different parents and so on and so forth. We dig desperately for any kind of excuse, any way to justify our shortcomings to ourselves. We become blind to what we have and see only what we lack and in our abundance of lacking we find ourselves in a treasure room filled with flaws and faults. 

Because we’re so focused on the work of others, we completely lose sight of our own. Being amazed by the talents of others, we neglect our own skills. We shrink and become so small, afraid of taking away any space from the amazing and talented people surrounding us. In today’s world, we are so connected to everyone that comparison has become easier than ever, not only are we directly competing for the same space but also comparing our work to no the best in our city but the very best on the entire planet, out of 8 billion people - that’s 8000 million souls, some are bound to be more skilled than you. In the past, it was easy because you didn’t think about it or care what somebody was doing on the other side of the planet, but today your work is directly compared to all these other people and what they do.

What we tend to forget is that 8 billion people is an awful lot of people, and we know how different people are, our personalities are more diverse than the flora and fauna on our beloved planet, and people like different things, think different thoughts and enjoy different expressions. I think if anything your work is a lot more likely now to to fulfil whatever its purpose is than ever before. Because no matter your ethnicity, religion, ideology, philosophy, interests etc etc someone out there is just like you and enjoys the same things. The internet connects us and separates us just as much as we allow it to. Therefore comparison isn’t a fault of the system, it’s a personal problem and something we have to learn to deal with on our own. It’s not the fault of a faceless megacorporation, it’s a fundamental flaw in the human experience, but that’s a good thing because that means we have the power to change it and overcome it. The first way to overcome it is to understand the problem itself and where it originates from.

The Root of the Problem

At the very core of this negative comparison to others is a bad self-image. If we view ourselves as lacking or holding negative traits we seek to externally affirm these negative self-biases. It comes from feelings of inadequacy and is expressed in jealousy. Low confidence in ourselves and our ability extends to not only our creative work but our entire lives. Jotting it down to a biological survival instinct is not addressing the psychological reality of it, because that biological instinct arises from the same psychic phenomenon: an experienced and perceived lack of something. Comparison and envy have been part of human culture for as long as we have been around, and in a lot of religions, it remains a cardinal sin today. Our reasons for wanting something can be a multitude of things, they can range from basic needs to higher and more complex social needs. When we see someone wearing a beautiful or expensive jacket, we feel envious because we either want to have the money for it or to be perceived by others as we perceive them: as wealthy or classy. Often this comparison comes off as a negative projection: we see somebody dressed in an expensive jacket and we think them pompous or snobby, and immediately make internal justifications for ourselves why we wouldn’t want that jacket. This is a self mechanism that is there to shield ourselves from experiencing these negatives from comparison ourselves, and instead, we hope to deflect them onto somebody else. This is also not good of course, we shouldn’t seek to project negatively on everyone as a solution to our own negative feelings of comparison. In both these instances, something bad happens, either we feel bad or we want someone else to feel bad - there is a third way which is to nullify our comparisons and to lift ourselves and others. We’ll get to that, but first let’s deep diver into where these roots of evil come from.

So knowing that our problem of comparison comes from our understanding and perception of ourselves where does this negative self-image come from? Well, there are two main reasons for it, and while you can undoubtedly find more reasons for it - that’s your journey to figure out, for now, we’ll only discuss these two further. The two reasons are; Life Experiences & Misinformation. 

Life experiences are a broad way to clump together almost everything that has come to define us who we are. This is essentially the sum of the process which has made us who we are and formed our perception of ourselves, this is the reason why people have such varying ideas of themselves because we live such drastically different lives. Summed up in our life experiences are traumas, our parents' parenting style, social interactions at an early age, our gender, race, sexuality and so much more. All of these will affect not only how others treat us but also how we see ourselves, and the way others treat us is very indicative of how we see ourselves. If we are treated poorly, bullied or socially neglected in any other way we internalise and see ourselves in a similar bad light. We think we must have been deserving of it and so forth. There are so many small things that play into who we become that it would be impossible to list them all, you have to understand yourself to understand where your self-image comes from, and you have to examine and take out any ideas that aren’t your own. You are not defined by your parents, not by your peers or anyone else in fact, and you can’t linger and conform to the idea people have of you. It’s not easy, it’s very difficult in fact. Your past has come to define you, and you need to remember that your present will come to define your future self. Shed the skin of old and do not be limited and held back by the opinions of others. Take the time to understand your life experiences, both good and bad free yourself from the negative ones, and rewrite yourself, your book isn’t done because you finished a chapter. Be mindful and don’t believe everything you think.

Misinformation is also a broad way to clump together a lot of different things. This includes ideas of perfectionism and the world around us, like social media and advertising but also ourselves. We suffer the negatives of comparison if we are perfectionists because trying to uphold ourselves to an unrealistic standard we will always fall short of our expectations, and if we beat ourselves up over that we will stop trying eventually. Our suffering then comes from our ignorance and we are influenced by a false narrative expressed by evil that is all around us. We are fed ideas that we are always missing out, or that we are lacking - this is a powerful tool in marketing and advertising and is something which is constantly bombarding us. We are told we aren’t good enough men if we don’t drive expensive cars or have nightly flings, or that we aren’t good women if we don’t conform to societal beauty standards, there’s always something we could do better, or have more of. This promise that we will be happy and fulfilled once we have it is what drives us to consume, and it drives us to negatively compare ourselves to others. It’s no longer enough that we should have a car which runs but now it has to be a specific model or we will be perceived as poverty-stricken by our neighbours or we will never find our true love because they could only love someone who was more like the person on the tv screen. All of these are lies and misinformation, and while we may think we are aware of it it still affects us subconsciously, and it drives us to do subconscious comparisons. This misinformation extends beyond billboards and TV screens and is of course all over our social media.

Where we are told the same lies over and over, and we see the luxurious and happy, funny lives of others. But most of this is also misinformation, it’s cherry-picked and edited, it’s censored and made to be more perfect than it often is. We see the success others have, perhaps doing the same thing we love to do and we begin to dream that maybe we could do that as well, we’re then sold online courses and told to just be willing to give up a little time and money and we could have it too, and that really it is our fault for enjoying something and not making a lot of money out of it. Everything needs to be commercially successful, and we can’t enjoy any creative hobbies anymore because it is a waste of our precious time if it doesn’t make us a living. We’re constantly fed these lies and bad ideas, and it leads to more bad comparisons, it makes us feel like we’re missing out and that we’re doing something wrong. Then the question remains - how do we fix our self-image and how do we stop comparing ourselves to others? The answer lies in our differences and figuring out what works for you.

What Works for You

Embracing your differences and what makes you unique is the way to stop comparing yourself to others. Understand that we’re all different people and we all work and function uniquely. 

“The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg”

Given the exact same circumstances can have a vastly different outcome and effect on different people. Understand this be patient with yourself accept who you are and figure out what works for you. You can’t be looking to anyone else for those answers, they’re all within you and if you try to desperately fit into a box that isn’t in the shape of you you’ll only be miserable or try and cut off pieces of yourself to fit into that mould. Remember that you’re the one to define success and prosperity in your life, no one else - and that what makes you happy is what counts. You can’t have anyone else choose your career, your dreams and your goals for you - you need to set your mind on that yourself. By defining these parameters yourself you don’t need to compare yourself to others, because what they have is irrelevant to what you have and your own success is not reliant on their failure, and their success doesn’t mean you’ve failed - you are completely separate entities living completely separate lives. 

There are 8 billion people in the world, and remember how diverse that is - you can’t be like everyone else it’s impossible, and your favourite food may taste awful to someone else, and cherish that fact. If everyone wanted and liked the same thing we’d be out of it since a long time ago. Enjoy those hidden gems that perhaps only you like because if everyone knew about those joys they’d want them too, so take personal joy in that and the fact that we are different and want different things. Nothing in the world would work if there weren’t people invested in doing different things. You define your own success and your goals and you are an agent of free will - so use it and use it for good. Happy people aren’t occupied with what they’re missing out or what others have - take a look around yourself and practice gratitude for what you have, instead of crying about what you don’t have. 

Don’t compare your work to others - be inspired instead and draw motivation from what they do instead of envying what they have. Be curious and be invested in what they do and why they do it, it might point you in the right way to find your passion and figure out what works for you. Do crabs envy fish because they seem able to fly? Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, know yourself and you will have no need to be anyone else or to do anything anyone else does. Find out what you love and do your work diligently with that same love. Experiment; search for the world and find yourself - when you know who you are and what you want you have no interest in what others do, even if they do the same thing. What - you’re going to stop breathing because everyone else is? You’re gonna worry about the fact that some people have bigger lungs and can hold their breath longer? 

Don’t be too hard on yourself, and remember that not everything works the same for everyone. Your path and your way could be completely unique and following in the footsteps of those before you could lead you to walk into the same pitfalls and traps as they did. What works for you might not work for anyone else - but does it matter as long as it works for you? So don’t be surprised when the opposite is true - because what works for somebody else might not work for you. You have no fear of missing out because what’s meant for you will not be missed. Remember that ‍diamonds need pressure to form while the dough needs rest to rise, and remember to do what works for you. To summarise this we’ll look at 5 things to do to help us figure out what works for us and to not compare ourselves negatively to others.

5 Things to Do to Not Compare Yourself to Others

1. Focus on Yourself

Focusing on yourself and what you can do right now removes the worry about what others are doing. Do not occupy your time by looking over to what the next person is doing - pour all your attention into what you’re doing. See to your own life and practice gratitude for all the things you have and can do. When you recognise the abundance you already have it expands and when you approach your work with humility and gratitude your skills develop, but if you freeze to inaction by the fear of what others have you stagnate. Turn your attention inwards and towards yourself.

2. Develop Self-Confidence

When you become confident in yourself and your ability you don’t compare yourself to others. Successful people aren’t occupied with the success of others. By practising and honing your skills you become more confident in what you do - as previously stated there are a lot of ways to develop your self-image and doing the rest of the things on this list will also aid in this. Know your worth and don’t let others question it and certainly do not question yourself. Be confident and be humble and realise that even if you’re not where you want to be right now, the path there is long and there’s nothing wrong with not being there right now. It takes time, so be humble in that and be confident that you will get there. 

3. Figure Out What Works for You

If you try to do things like everyone else, you may be disappointed when it doesn’t work out. Take your time, and don’t be afraid to experiment and figure things out on your terms. Try new things keep what works for you and discard what doesn’t work for you. There’s no shame in trying, and just because it doesn’t work immediately don’t give up. Keep trying and keep figuring out, even if you have to spend your entire life doing it. You won’t regret it.

4. Live and Let Live

Do things your way and let others do things their way - this harkens back to focusing on yourself but more importantly, don’t judge others lest you be judged yourself. Let them do what works for you and don’t concern yourself with schooling or teaching them what works for you - keep your eyes on your own goals and work towards that. Live your life to the best of your ability and let them live to the best of their ability. People have never changed because somebody told them to - but perhaps by living by example, you can inspire others. Therefore do your best to be your best and pour your energy and time into that.

5. Reduce Social Media Use

I’ve personally unfollowed all other accounts on my social media because it’s bad enough browsing it, but being bombarded with stories and posts in my feed just doesn’t help me not compare myself to others. I keep in touch with people and I love seeing their progress and what they do, but it allows me to do it on my terms and conditions than that of the algorithm. In general social media is designed in such a way that we will feel left out and compare ourselves to others. Reducing our use of social media and also examining how we use it allows us to focus more on ourselves and our own journey instead of trying to live vicariously through others. 

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