Grief
Introduction
The shortest line in the KJV Bible and numerous other translations are two simple words.
"Jesus wept" John 11:35
Buddha was spared from suffering up until his adult life when he finally got out into the world, suffering and grief are inevitable. Eventually, we are struck by grief, and in this world, there are many things to grieve. No one can tell you what is right and wrong to grieve, and how you deal with it. It's a deeply personal, human experience. People we love pass away, and we may be struck with hardships, we may even grieve the suffering of others. There's a lot to mourn. This post will talk about grief, what it is, how we deal with it, and how it affects our lives.
What is Grief?
Grief is a visceral and painful response to loss with many dimensions, including physical, cognitive, social, and emotional. Grief can be considered physical or abstract - physical being the loss of something the individual can touch or measure. Like the loss of a loved one. The abstract is a bit broader and may be related to the social or something else. Existential dread or a mental crisis might signal this abstract kind of grief. People may mourn the end of a relationship, unemployment, ill health, and much more. There is no limit to what a human can mourn, and we get very creative when it comes to dealing with it. Grief is mostly an unconscious process, to handle and deal with it actively can be very demanding especially mentally and emotionally but also physically. A person stricken by grief will mourn in a variety of ways.
The process of grief isn't straightforward, and it's only in recent times psychology has developed models for the stages of grief and has attempted to map out the journey a person goes through while grieving. This remains a contentious idea even to this day within the psychology community because grief is a complicated thing. Those opposing these models are often skeptical of these "emotional pathways" that lead to "recovery", some even claim that when it comes to some particular types of grief there isn't any full recovery. Grief is a little black hole within us, the good news is that with the right treatment it won't get any smaller, but we will grow around it. The grief remains and it stays the same but we outgrow it and the perception of it becomes smaller and with this new perspective, it is reduced. But the question remains: how do we deal with grief?
How Do We Deal with Grief?
Dealing with grief is different from person to person, there's a multitude of ways a person can mourn. Some of these ways are healthy and some of them can be destructive, but there is no judgment to be made because in the end you can't know how visceral a person's grief is, some pain can be so unbearable that destructive methods seem like the only way to get out of it. There's a wide variety of reactions people have from grief. The most common being crying. Crying is a healthy way to deal with grief, it releases tension and emotions and flushes your emotional system. It allows you to clean the wound so that it may heal faster. Women and men may generally be a little different in this aspect, and that's not to say anything bad about it. Men cry too but it often takes them a little longer in the grieving process to get to that point, and this is good in a way because the feminine and the masculine complement each other wonderfully. If a grieving couple goes through different reactions at different times they can be a better support for each other. A man delaying his emotions allows him to be present and comforting to his significant other, and once she's past that point she can be present for him. Most people who are grieving healthily do not spontaneously cry or talk about their loss, and pressing a person to talk about it or cry can be damaging. It's important to be present if a person wants to talk about it, but to leave them some space. However, it's also important to be able to be that vulnerable, especially as a man to realize that it's okay to grieve and that it's not a weakness to react to emotional states. Another common reaction to grief might be withdrawal.
Some people might not be comfortable being around others and so they withdraw into themselves, being alone is a safe space for a lot of people that allows them to process it on their terms without pressure from others. It's important to give people space if they need it and allow them to approach you on their terms. Somebody who tends to withdraw needs to be able to communicate this to their surrounding rather than just disappearing, as it can cause emotional distress to the people around them, but it's also very important to respect that need for withdrawing and not try to force a person who is grieving into talking about it or processing it in a seemingly more rational way. Because grief is such a personal thing the only way it can truly be dealt with is for the individual to do so on their terms. Some of the more destructive reactions to grief can be a lot more severe.
Depression can be damaging to a person physically and mentally. A person grieving might lose their appetite or the opposite - overeat as a comfort. They might turn to coping through alcohol or other harmful substances. There are no limits to what a human might consider to not just feel and acknowledge that loss. All of these ways whether healthy or not are part of how humans deal with grief. A person dealing with grief may need support and care to help them navigate it in a healthy way, it eases the weight that they carry and helps them explore the emotion from a new perspective. The support is different from person to person, but being there and listening to the needs of a person grieving is always helpful. When a person has dealt with their grief they are left with the aftermath.
The Aftermath
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4
What happens after mourning is different depending on how the grief was dealt with as well as what kind of grief the person was dealing with. Grief is something that may stay with a person their entire life, but in order to continue living one needs to learn how to live with that grief. A person who has experienced grief may be triggered by almost anything that can bring back a memory of their loss. It's important to remember the good and let the memory be what it is rather than being reminded of the pain of loss. As life-changing and painful grief can be it is a normal aspect of life and it helps us grow as people. It can give us an appreciation for the present and for what we have, it's often said that we don't know what we have until we lose it. So it serves as a severe reminder to appreciate and be grateful for the people around us and the things we have while they are there. Navigating grief in a healthy way can bring some positives to us, but if we don't deal with it or deal with it in a negative way it can leave lasting damage.
There's no one method to solve grief. You have to give yourself time and space and navigate it in your own way. If somebody close to you is mourning you have to be there for them and give them the space to find their way. It can be important to remember to give it time, there's no set time limit for how long you can grieve and for how long it should take. Let it take time and make sure to really come to terms with it, it can be good as well to not change your life too much. Make sure to look after yourself and continue to live your life. Loss isn't the end of the world, remind yourself of the good and do not only focus on the bad. There's professional help to get and if the grief you're going through is really hard there's care to get. Remember that your friends and loved ones are there for you as well and don't be afraid to reach out to them. Take the time you need, and allow yourself to fully and comprehensibly deal with it.
